What you saw in my eyes was fear. I don’t think I’ve put the first word on paper yet, but for a long time I’ve been writing a poem (in my head) titled, “why I don’t wanna go to heaven”. A small part of me swears I’ve written that poem already, but the bigger part of me knows that’s not true–especially because I’ve searched for it but have yet to find anything. The poem’s title is “Why I Don’t Wanna Go to Heaven”. It’s a poem about how I don’t want to be happy because, with happiness in my arm, each time the seconds tic I will be afraid of losing that happiness. My happiness will be in endless fear as I anticipate it all to be taken away. I don’t want to go to heaven because I’d live in fear all my days there, anticipating it all to be taken from me. So I’d rather stay on Earth, or elsewhere, where I know happiness won’t last long because pain is promised. Where I can walk through the pain because a potential happy ending is my motivation.
Every time you looked into my eyes, I was one inch away from breaking down, probably disintegrating. But who knows?
You were so perfect. You are perfect. I loved you so much. You were nearly everything I could have ever imagined, everything I didn’t even know I needed–I didn’t even know existed. The art. Your beauty. Your imperfections. The way you loved me. The way you smile. The way you touched me. The way we made love. The [silly] words you would say (“honey bub” lol). The way you would drop your walls and boundaries and just fold into my arms, under my wings. The way you trusted me. The conversations we’d have–intellectual and goofy. The art that runs through your veins. Your smell. The moments we spent together, cooking, dancing. You were my first introduction to raw beauty. And I’m talking nature no longer just being natural stuff but the Earth’s decorations, Jewelry. I’m talking the naked body no longer being a well of lust but a pool of beauty, a work of art to be praised. The bliss that poured out of you. The innocence. You were never just happy. You were blissful and it was an exploding fountain of joy. Nothing I could do could ever merit your joy. So, I cowered. For many reasons.
One of them being that I have a long history of things that make me very happy being taken away from me. As I am writing this right now, there is nothing–nothing on this Earth that makes me purely, deeply happy. Not even nearly as happy as you once made me. That’s because I know it will be taken away from me, so I don’t give anything the chance. So I’ve detached myself from everything, don’t let myself be that close to anything. So when it’s time to go our separate ways, letting go is easier.
I knew you would be taken away from me. But the thoughts of you and I were so perfect. But then I was dealing with my past–passed relationships that I was still working through. I was still healing. I loved you. My love for you started growing since that night in December 2015. But it was a push and pull because I was just coming from a terrible heartbreak (plus I had a brain injury so my emotions were actually imbalanced). I wanted to protect myself so I could heal (from the heartbreak). But I wanted to love you too. So the whole time with you had that push and pull going on. But then came him. Idk if he has any connections to the person you are with now–if so, then I say this with all due respect–but I knew he wasn’t good for you. I knew he wasn’t. He doesn’t deserve you in whatever way the story is written or played out. But I also knew that I had my chance to take you away from him, but I let it slip. But I was dealing with my own stuff so I couldn’t blame myself too much. I was scared. I knew you loved him. It was out of control, to the point where you lost track of how much you loved him. Since the beginning, I knew you would be taken away from me simply because that is what happens in my life. Then he came and I realized that was what was gonna take my happiness away. I was scared. I was hurting. When I was willing to fight for you, a voice told me you would never really be mine–he has a piece of you. Fear. Then watching that fear take shape in front of my eyes.
There is also dreams, destiny and other goals that I wanted to accomplish (i.e. become really big with poetry) and I was never certain if giving you my life would be the end of these goals–I was already telling myself these goals would never happen lol. So pursuing them was a dare I gave myself. It still is. I also just simply knew that I didn’t know how to love you to the fullest extent that I knew you deserved to be loved. It was a lot. Fear was most of it. I found myself having to be super strong while all this treasure brought to me might just be taken away. As it was being taken away. It was a lot.
Thank you for reading.